My Weaknesses

 

I have weaknesses.

I have things about myself that I know aren’t good. My awareness and genuine recognition of them comes and goes. There are times when I’m fully conscious of them and feel like I know I should make some kind of marked action to try and rid myself of them. Other times, I feel they’re so rooted and such an ingrained part of me that I casually toss the idea of ridding myself of them completely aside.

I think I’ve had them for so long, that even subconsciously, a part of me feels like there’s a piece of myself that I would lose if I lost them. Perhaps there’s even a small part of me that doubts it can be done. I know that’s not true, and I know that’s the false voice of fear trying to persuade me from change, because as human beings, we’re often resistant to change, no matter how positively impactful or amazingly enlightening change can be.

Perhaps it’s because I spend so much of my time helping others to become their best selves that I’ve lost track of doing the same for myself.

Sometimes, these epiphany-like moments come into my life. That trigger moment happens and acts as a catalyst. It can come about because of something I see, hear, do, or experience. I had one tonight regarding my faults as a human being, so I wanted to write about them. Writing has always been one of the best mediums for me to express my deeper thoughts and inner emotions.

So, I’m writing to you. I want to lay bare my three greatest weaknesses to you and the wonderful wide-web in the hopes that, in doing so, it will not only give me a sense of accountability, but also perhaps inspire others to potentially do the same.

I have three very big weaknesses.

A) I’m not good at picking and choosing my battles.

This is one that I’ve really begun to realize in recent times, probably over the past couple of years. I often find myself picking the wrong battles with people.

I’m the kind of person who wears my heart on my sleeve. I’m also the kind of person who has an unbelievably strong sense of belief, conviction, and passion. While those are definitely great attributes to have, I too often use them in the wrong way and find myself starting senseless battles or getting embroiled in unnecessary confrontations with people simply because I’m too stubborn about holding onto my beliefs, convictions, and pride.

Often times, I know I’m right. In fact, often times I’m definitely right. However, that’s the problem. I allow my desire to defend my beliefs and convictions to hijack my sense of greater awareness and choose to be right over choosing to keep someone as an ally, colleague, or friend.

That’s simply not good enough. Not for me.

In certain situations, I know I need to do a better job of asking myself, “Is this battle really worth fighting, or would I rather lose this person being at my side?” I don’t want to lose people from my life, or lose the opportunity to forge new connections with others, because I want to hold too tightly onto something I believe in. I need to be able to let go of my own beliefs and my own pride in order to keep more people in my life and grow new relationships with others.

That needs to happen. I’m ready and committed to improve this weakness moving forward.

B) My personality is too abrasive and cold.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m definitely a fun, happy, outgoing person. However, I’m also way too intense, abrasive, and stand-offish. It comes from my childhood. I spent the overwhelming majority of my childhood on a competitive soccer field. I saw every game as a battle, a war. I had to be intense, focused, and abrasive to play my best and try and make the opposition fear me. It made me a successful soccer player. So, I interpreted that success to mean that being that way was effective.

The problem is that I don’t think I’ve ever made that disconnect, transitioned away from that, or appropriately learned how to manage that switch.

I also grew up in a very disciplined, hard home. My father was never outwardly loving or emotional. Between him and I, everything was very hard, tense, and cold. Over the years, that grew and solidified itself, and instead of realizing it and learning from it, I allowed it to become ingrained as part of my personality and my system. The sad part of it is that I always hated that about him. Yet, despite that, I became it.  

Lastly, I believe my abrasiveness and coldness is often times used as a self-defense mechanism. I’ve been hurt many times in my life, and as a consequence, I made the mistake of using abrasiveness and coldness as a way to protect myself from potential heartache and pain instead of choosing to see and believe in the wonderful and incredible things that could happen.

That’s simply not good enough. Not for me.

I envy people who have an amazingly bright, contagious personality. I envy people who are extremely charismatic and have a pleasant infectiousness about them. I know I need to let go of how I’ve always been in the past in terms of using abrasiveness and coldness as a focusing and defensive mechanism and allow the more attractive, personable, and likeable parts of me come to the fore.

That needs to happen. I’m ready and committed to making this improvement going forward.

C) I’m too cautious.  

Over the past several years, I’ve led too quiet of a life. I’ve let countless great opportunities pass me by. Not because I’m afraid of failure. Not because I’m scared. I simply get too complacent. I find a comfortable perch, and that comfort brings about a sense of happiness that I allow to convince me that I don’t need any more than that.

“The grass isn’t greener on the other side.”

That can definitely be true. However, sometimes it can definitely not be true. Sometimes the grass IS greener on the other side. And, too often, I’m too content with lying in the grass I have instead of seeing if I can’t create, find, or stumble upon grasses more lush and fulfilling.

Quite simply, I don’t take enough risks. I won’t make moves until I’m sure I’m ready.

The problem with that is this: Are we ever really ready? I’ve created some amazing successes in my life. And, I’ve realized that most of them, if not all of them, started because I took a leap towards them out of pure desire and desperation. I was never ready to make those jumps, yet I did them anyways. I don’t think I’ve ever learned that principle well enough and fully embraced it.

That’s not good enough. Not for me.

The fact is, when it comes to new, forward progresses in my life, I’ll almost never be ready for them. It’s hard to be ready for new things, new challenges, and new opportunities. Often times, the leap towards those things requires a sense of desire for risk, adventure, calculated abandonment, and most of all, belief; to let go of the comfort of well-earned contentment and continue to press onward with a desire for new moments, new experiences, and new opportunities, while at the same time, being grateful and appreciative of the happiness I’ve always created and not letting it go or completely abandoning it.

That needs to happen. I’m ready and committed to making this improvement going forward.

I’m not afraid of embarrassed by my weaknesses and faults. I’m only human. I don’t hate myself for having these or feel ashamed of myself in any way. However, I’ve needed to recognize and embrace these for quite some time, and it feels great to genuinely do so. In many ways, writing about them makes me feel a bit renewed.

However, that feeling will only last as long as I make the first step towards them. And then make another step. And then another. And another. And commit.

I love change for the better. I’m excited about this one. I’m excited for today. I’m excited to make the first step. I’m excited to commit.

All my best love,

Will

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