I Feel Alive Again

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I’ve just woken up in the middle of the night. It’s early Friday morning. It’s 2:36am as I’m starting to write this.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything for my blog. Since February, to be exact. I won’t lie. I just haven’t been feeling it. Stupid life. It gets in the way sometimes. Don’t you hate that?

But here I am. I’m back.

I’ll be honest. I don’t have a plan for what this article will say. Have you ever had a moment where you, for some strange reason, felt like you simply had to do something? That’s how I feel right now.

I don’t know. I just feel like writing anything that comes to mind. Hopefully it all makes sense by the end.

Earlier today, I watched one of my favorite movies. “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.”


“Don’t let anyone tell you different. You gotta do what yer meant to do. And I happen to be a goddamn artist!”


Captain Mike said that. Captain Mike was a tugboat driver. At least, that was his job. That’s what he woke up and did every day. But was his job what he was meant to do? Not to him. To him, he was an artist. He engraved his art onto his body. He was a tattoo artist.

 

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Lesson: Your job doesn’t have to be your purpose. You can either do both of them, or you can sacrifice one for the other. Which one you decide to sacrifice is ultimately completely up to you.

Life can be really cruel. But we don’t always make it easier for each other. We sometimes make it harder for each other. Some people just want to live a simple life and find happiness. Like those 49 people in Orlando who went out for a fun night and never made it back home because someone decided to blow them away with an assault rifle.

Which reminds me: I’m unbelievably grateful for being able to wake up each day. It’s something I shouldn’t take for granted.

Yet there’s beauty in life as well.

The New Hot 5 are an American based jazz band. They were on tour in Autrans, France when they stopped off on the side of the road to play for a group of cows.

This is what happened.

 


This reminds me of another quote:


“You see? There are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity.”

-M. Gustave H.


There’s always a faint glimmer of hope. For me, the past few months have been trying. They’ve been hard. And that faint glimmer of hope was indeed very faint and hard to see at times. But, it was still always there. Sometimes the light that guides you out is only just faint enough so that you know what general direction you need to head in, but at the same time, it’s just dim enough to force you to muster up the courage and the desire to take a step forward when you’re not sure if the light is really there.

But that brings me back to gratitude.

One of the most painful things about human existence is the concept of perfection. We all seek it. We think it will unravel some secret treasure trove of happiness that’s been eluding us all this time

The perfect house.

The perfect car.

The perfect dog.

The perfect spouse.

The perfect job.

The perfect words.

The perfect time.

But real life is here. It’s this. It’s not being able to sleep at 2:36am. It’s having something on your mind and needing to write it out to get it off your chest. It’s not having any idea as to how in the world I’m supposed to function tomorrow on little to zero sleep when I have so much to work on and get done.

But I like to think that that’s how life should be. I’m grateful for a life of pleasure and pain.

I visualize perfection from time to time and dream of achieving it. However, when I really think about it, I realize just how boring, robotic, and humanless a perfect life would be. If the essence of being human is imperfection, then I want to embrace that imperfection. I don’t want to fear it.

I like to think that leading a fulfilling life isn’t just the good things that feel good. It’s the bad things. It’s the horrible things. It’s the moments of complete uncertainty where you don’t know whether or not this massive mistake you’ve just made is going to change your life for the worse. That pain and that fear is what entails the human experience, and I know I wouldn’t become a more complete version of myself or fully experience life itself if I didn’t experience that pain and fear from time to time.

That reminds me of yet another quote:


“Sometimes in life, you have to be like a jazz musician using the notes on the page; dancing around them and inventing combinations that are necessary for the situation at hand.”

-Barry Schwartz


So what does my future hold? I don’t know exactly.

But, I’m ok with that.

All I want to do is wake up, be the best version of myself I possibly can each day, produce as much value as I possibly can each day, and go to sleep feeling as fulfilled as I possibly can each day. Wherever that ends up taking me is where it takes me. I don’t want to spend too much time and mental energy thinking about a future that isn’t even here yet. After all, it’s not guaranteed.

I want to be in the present moment, be here today, and do things here today.

Where is this article ending up at? I think this is the end. But before I go, I want to do one thing. I want to ask you for a favor:

Today, do at least one thing that you’ve been putting off. Whatever it is, just get it done, scratch it off your list, and let yourself feel good for doing so.

Go buy yourself an ice cream. Yeah, ice cream.   

Has any of this made any sense? I sure hope so. I do know that I feel a lot better now though having written it. Much better. I feel ready for a great Friday.

After I get some more sleep first, of course.

Good night (Morning),

MM

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2 thoughts on “I Feel Alive Again

  1. This really hit home. It made me feel calm; like everything is going to be okay. Thank you for this.

    I’m going to have ice cream for breakfast now. 🙂

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